I did not yet see Black Swan, but my wife and her friends did. I wanted to, but I couldn’t make it to the theater at the time they were going.

They came back from the movie unsettled. as they explained the movie to me, all I heard was the fact that there is a lesbian love scene that shows absolutely no nudity. None.

I was not surprised.

This movie starred Natalie Portman. She has foiled nerdy fanboys for years by having never really gotten naked in a movie where for all intents and purposes, she should have.

Let me explain.

After success in some really good movies as a child (The Professional and Heat), Natalie Portman burst onto the scene in the Star Wars prequels as Padme Amedala, and she immediately became a fanboy fantasy girl. From then on, nerds were just waiting for her to bare it all.

But after Star Wars, there were some lame romantic comedies. No chance for nudity. Fanboys were disheartened.

Then came Zach Braff’s Garden State, and what should’ve been a Last Picture Show skinny dipping scene turned into underwear-dipping. It wasn’t time yet.

After that was the extremely sexual movie, Closer, where Miss Portman actually played a stripper. You would think that she would finally reveal herself, and all the fanboys did, but she was one of those Hollywood movie strippers who never takes anything off. (Like Jessica Alba in Sin City who plays a character who is always topless in the comics, but not in the movie.)

Other movies came and went, and it seems like George Lucas may have been keeping her covered to keep up the image of the Star Wars brand, which is commendable.

Then came Hotel Chevalier. The short film which introduced Wes Anderson’s The

Darjeeling Limited had Natalie Portman completely naked onscreen, in an odd turn of events because Jason Schwartzman was completely clothed, but…she’s covered and not really naked. Thanks, but no thanks Natalie. You’ve fooled us for the last time.

Until Black Swan. Skimpy ballerina outfits? Steamy lesbian love scene? Natalie Portman?


It’s never happening nerds. She can play as many strippers, prostitutes, porn stars, and nudist camp councilors as the movie industry will allow, and you’re never seeing the goods.

Oh well, she’s a good actress. She’s just been in too many not-so-great movies.

If I ran Hollywood, I would’ve cast her as Indiana Jones’ daughter, Dakota and had a Dakota Jones adventure trilogy that would’ve been great. Too bad the cast Shia Labeouf and called him “Mutt.”

So many missed opportunities Natalie. So many missed opportunities.